In the Mean Time

Monday my white blood count was going up (1.2 =1,200 ... I was 1.0). So we scheduled for Wednesday.... again the white blood count is too low. Actually it has dropped lower than it ever has...now at .9. So we will try for Monday ???

In the meantime I wanted to share some things that have happened while I was going weekly:

*Aurora had her 12th Birthday. She requested that we watch home videos of her as a baby. I was really struck by how time flies. I thought when did I blink and she went from sweet vibrant baby to enthusiastic young adolescent. She had a lovely birthday party with a few close friends. God was so gracious to me on that weekend, do to some miracle I wasn't sick that weekend.

*Aurora had a swim meet in Carson City (Minden) and she nocked 6 seconds off Breast stroke time!!

*Our Coop group started up again. It is always a high point in our families lives. I personally feel honored to be associated with such intelligent, talented, loving and God fearing women.

*I was finally able to get an appointment at UCSF ( after calling for 3 wks) for an expansion. According to the Doctor I am fully expanded and now I just am waiting to be done with Chemo and then have my Switch out surgery. That is where they take out the expander and put in the implant (either saline or silicone). You also choose at this point if you want a nipple or not (keep in mind it will be static). Then about 3 wks after this surgery (when you are healed) if you have chosen a nipple they will now tattoo an areola on.

I'm back

I have heard it is uncouth to wait so long between blogs, SORRY!! Since my last blog I have been having Chemo every week. I would have Chemo on Wednesday, sleep Thursday& Friday, be on anti nausea medicine every 6hrs for 3 or 4 days, the weekends were iffy as to how I was managing. We had hoped that by having Chemo every week it would eliminate the overly sick response I was having. It lessened the response, but it meant I was sick every week. After 6 wks of this I decided I would like to go back to the once every three weeks. I know the response will be more severe, but I would get at least 1 to 1 1/2 weeks break. I had to notify the insurance, because they have to approve any change in dosage. They like 5-7 business day to decide. So Wednesday, March 5th, I went in trepidation to get my full dose of Chemo only to find out that my white blood cell count was too low to have a full dose treatment. It had been low on the weekly doses, but still OK for smaller doses. In preparation of the full dose the Dr. only gave me a 1/6th dose to try and give my white blood cells a rest (it didn't work). Dr. Campbell explained that if he were to give me a full dosage of Chemo at this low count it would be life threatening.

I cried! I had these mental dates (bench marks) that I was emotionally striving towards. After a few minutes, I was embarrassed..... I thought of the people I personally know who are suffering much worse than I. So the Lord wants to change "my plans", "my agenda" what am I to do? God designed me to be a planner. SO....I planned things out; meals, other appointments, child care, up coming surgeries, and etc... all "my plans" are off now. I am reminded my ways are not the Lord's ways. His timing is always for the best. Even though I am not privy to the big picture I trust in the designer. I am humbled (as usual) by how quickly I lost sight (and cried). Really what is a week or two in the big scheme of things.

He feeds my spirit!!! "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones." Ps. 17:22 "the spirit of a man can endure his sickness, but a broken spirit who can bear?" Ps. 18:14 Thank you all for uplifting my spirit with your loving words of encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know.

Musings

Have you ever felt like you make absolutely no difference in this life?? I struggle with this. Scripture tells us that we are all part of a body and each gift/talent is useful to the body. When that part is not functioning the whole body suffers. Lately I want to scream...."I want my life to count, to bring God glory" Alas, I am only me and feel I have some obscure unimportant function so remote that I cannot even figure it out. I know I am not alone in this struggle between who we are (or going through) and who we want to be. Even TobyMac sings about it, "I was made to love you", Superchick "Stand in the rain", Natasha Bedingfield " Unwritten", (and my new favorite) Point of Grace "How you live" just to name a few. Those who know me well know I am someone who would love for the Lord to send me the outline of what the plan is, and of course I would follow the "Plan". Alas He never does this. He wants me to lean on Him by candle light not the flashlight. I guess this causes me to grow and be more like Him without questioning and knowing the whole "plan". I am unable to see the whole picture and He can, I am unable to see the out come but He can. I wonder what all this emotional confusion looks like to God?? I know I can trust Him, I choose to praise Him even though for the moment it hurts. Really the bottom line is as much as I want a life that brings Glory to the Lord (my vision of what that looks like) it is all about Him and through Him, not me :( .

Matthew West recently went through what I am talking about...Check it out
http://www.matthewwest.com/splash/

On a side note the doctor wants me to try doing Chemo every week. The goal is to lesson the reaction. So I start this on Wednesday the 23rd.

Power

We had a fun New Year's eve. spending time with friends and playing games.

I'm not going to lie the rest of the week was not fun.

Wednesday the 2nd I went in to Chemo for the new drug and all the original ones. Then immediately following that I had to prepare for the Colonoscopy. No eating....I have all this toxic medicine in me and not able to absorb any of it with food. Then you have to drink this horrible solution which has to added bonus of now being glued to the toilet. After surviving the night, the next morning you drink the solution again and them stop drinking all fluids. Needless to say I was quite nauseous. Finally the time comes that I go to do my procedure and they can't use my Port because they don't have those special needles. ARG!! Honestly the procedure went fine. I didn't feel a thing. The next day I had to go to Oncology to get my Neulasta (sp?) shot. Now I am SICK!!! friends rallied and between Wednesday thru Fri; my house was cleaned, kids were well watched and I was cared for. Thank you!! .....the sickness continued through the area's power outage. The power went out on Friday morn and didn't come back till late Monday. (we partied!! YEA!!) I was on 3 more anti-nausea medicines every 6 hrs for 48 hours during that time. YUK!!

During the power outage people weren't able to do the normal things they were used to doing. Their convenient fast paced lives had to slow down even if just for a few days. In that there was alot of good that came out of it. (that I heard) Neighbors gathered and shared meals and other things, beautiful candles were glowing, books were being read and best of all people spent more time with their families. I say all this because in my situation similar things are occurring. I can't do my normal things and yet great things are coming of it.

in the midst of a yukky week I can see the Lord's hand....I had no reactions to the new Chemo drug, my Colonoscopy went fine, in fact they found a polyp that was pre-cancerous and now it's gone!!! and also to see the Lord's body reach out and do so much to carry another through this time is awesome to witness.

Were is the true Power?...in Christ Jesus !!! SELAH

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Ps. 4:8

Christmas week

We had a wonderful Christmas. The four of us just enjoyed each other and then relaxing doing our own things. It was peaceful. Our Jehovah Jireh (Provider) really was felt in our home this Christmas. He showed us in His gentle and loving way how He can and will provide.

Wednesday the 26th insurance still had not approved the Chemo, so I only did Herceptin. The doctor was happy with the rise in my iron level, due to taking the iron supplement.

My surgery for the Port came off without a hitch. There were some funny terms used while I was waiting to be operated on; the nurses said "Good Luck" (kind of like crossing your fingers) and the doctor stated he would "Tunnel under the skin". I was really looking forward to the 'procedure' after hearing these things. The Anesthesiologist was very nice, but he had some trouble getting my I.V. started. He had to stick me 6 times before he got a good vein. We are all glad I am getting this Port in. The pain will wear off in a couple of days. I can take the bandages off on Monday. (and take a shower-so if you smell me before then you'll know why) ha ha.

Neal found a muffler shop that would install the catalytic converter for a reasonable price. So he got that done with the hope that it will be enough to pass smog. The van can hobble along for a few more months till things settle down.

I received a call today the 28th from the Oncologist office letting me know that the insurance had approved the new Chemo and that I will be receiving that on Wed. Jan 2nd. Thank the Lord for He is faithful!!

And Yes! it is still OK to do a Colonoscopy the very next day after Chemo. (that's because 'they' are not doing it) What fun!!

Hair today gone tomorrow

When my hair started to fall out, it felt like when your hair has been in a ponytail too long and it is sore. Then parts felt like I had sunburned my scalp. At first it came out slowly then it just came out in clumps. My very sweet hair stylist cut my hair to this cute style on the 20th. I was having an emotional day about the hair lose and the mess it was making. I liked the cut, and who knows maybe I'll have it like this someday when it grows back. I was praying the hair would hang on thru. Christmas day. You know... so the Christmas morning pictures wouldn't look hideous.The Lord blessed me and let it hang on thru. Christmas day. Then on the day after Christmas I had to take a shower and it REALLY came out.

Thursday the 27th I had the Port put in and my hair was very patchy and sore.

So that eve. I had Neal shave the scraggly patches off.

Here is the wig I borrowed, it doesn't quite fit. I'm will still working on some different ideas to cover the Kojak look.

Delay Chemo

My day started off with this devotional message (paraphrased):

~ It was into the real world that Christ came, into the city where there was no room for Him, and into a country where Herod, the murderer of innocents, was king. (Luke 2:25-35)
~ "He comes to us, not to shield us from the harshness of the world but to give us the courage and strength to bear it; nor to snatch us away by some miracle from the conflict of life, but to give us peace - His peace - in our hearts, by which we may be calmly steadfast while the conflict rages, and be able to bring to the torn world the healing that is peace."

Christ did not come to shield us from the grief and pain of life;

But those who have His peace inside can thrive within the strife.

~

Thankfully no dogs got hit today. The doctor told me my iron count went down even farther and firmly suggested I take my iron supplements or he would need to either do iron I.V. or do a blood transfusion if it gets much worse. Then Chemo did not go well...I had an adverse allergic reaction to the Chemo, Taxotere. I couldn't breath, I got very hot (my face reflected how hot I was) and there was a fogginess in my eyes. My friend rushed over and got a nurse. They immediately stopped the Chemo and flushed out the line with saline, meanwhile bringing over the oxygen tank, but I didn't need it. As quickly as the reaction came on it also left. (thankfully) ....So they could not continue with Chemo today....

~

So now it gets complicated!! I could take a Chemo called, Taxol, the allergic reaction to it is Anaphylactic Shock. Since I had a reaction to the Taxotere (and they are in the same family of drugs) I could have this reaction but no guarantee!?! Attempting to prevent this reaction I would need to take 40 mg of Decodron a day. The first round of Chemo I had to take 16 mg of Decodron and I had adverse reactions to that, so they reduced my dosage to only 2 mg for this round. There is no way of knowing how I would react to that much Decadron.

.....OR.....

Chemo choice number 2 is a new drug (the Doctor didn't tell me the name) This Chemo they have been testing on Metastatic Cancer Patients. Which means it is very powerful (not really what I need). It has not been studied on patients in my situation, so that leads to uncertainty about results. The other challenge is insurance only likes to cover things that are absolutely studied and required. This drug is new and therefore expensive another reason insurance will not want to cover it. The good thing about this one is I wouldn't have to take Decadron. We have 2 days to get all this worked out so that I can have Chemo on the 26th.

~

Meanwhile.... Neal had my van today to get it smogged for renewal. It did not pass smog. The technician stated that it need more work than the vehicle was worth and to just drive it to a lot and trade it in. A friend mentioned the DMV will purchase a "Gross Polluter" then you can do what you want about getting another vehicle...Add this to our schedule.

~

Getting back to the devotional; I thought God was so gentle to prepare me for this day with His peace!!

Not that it makes this any less difficult, but I know when my faith is getting stretched, I am learning to be calmly steadfast in His peace. Through each experience I am reminded to rest in His provision and love for us.

~

-Please pray that His hand would be in all of this.

-Please pray for clear direction and choices.

-Please pray that our emotions rest in His Peace.

~

P.S. -A side plus in all this is I will NOT be sick for Christmas !! YEAH !!

What's ahead

It appears I have little veins and they are not handling all the sticks. I need to get a 'Port' put in to make this easier on everyone. A port is a small device with a hollow space inside that is sealed by a soft top. The port is connected to a small flexible tube called a catheter. A special needle is put in the soft top of the port so that medications and fluids can be given and blood samples withdrawn. In a short procedure, the port is implanted, which means it is placed completely beneath your skin, and the catheter is inserted inside a blood vessel. Ports are usually implanted on the upper chest. So I need to meet with the surgeon, have a pre-op visit at the hospital and then the procedure on the 27th.


I have my next Chemo on the 19th and hopefully the tweaking of the med's will cease all reactions.

Next on the agenda I need to have a Colonoscopy and Upper GI Endoscopy scheduled for the 3rd of January. I have already met with the Doc and the question they are looking to answer with these procedures is why my blood count shows I am loosing blood somewhere somehow. Before the procedure you have all this fun stuff to drink and a list of things you are NOT to eat or drink.

In the middle of all this I am able to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior with my family. To watch their faces, see the beautiful sights everywhere, enjoy the sounds of laughter, music and feel the love we all share will definitely refresh my soul.

"I bring you good news of a great joy which shall be for ALL the people; for today in the city of David there has been born unto you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord...

Glory to God in the Highest"

Luke 2:10-14 (paraphrased)

Reactions

Sorry it has taken me sooo long to blog we have a time of it. First I had some reactions to the medicine that you take in conjunction with Chemo.
-a red flush from my cheeks down my stomach/ hot to the touch
-shakes
-heartburn
-tingling and tightness across chest
-sleeplessness
Then we had some possible reactions to the shot they give to bring your white blood cell count back up or they say could've been possible reactions to Chemo.
-Ulceration (lump in my throat) in my throat.
-inflamed burning around my rear
-trouble breathing
Then the nausea got out of control and I wasn't able to keep any thing down.
They gave me med's orally and I.V. to stop the nausea, to no avail. They needed to rehydrate me and wanted me to go to the hospital till they could get things under control. I refused so they ordered some suppositories and 2 other drugs. I was to take these every 6 hours. After about 24-30 hours. I could get some things down that would stay. after 48 hours I was feeling much better and stopped the medicine. YEAH!!!!!!!

They say next go around (Dec. 19th) they are adjusting the med's to hopefully compensate for all this.

Everything has a metallic taste to it, but it goes down and stays. So I am grateful for this. I am also thankful, as of yet, my hair is still in place.

Sasha our dog is recovering without a hitch, back to her old self.

God is so good. He provided His servants throughout all this just when and where we needed them.

1st Chemo -Nov 30th

Where to begin...Neal as always, being a gentleman opened the gate to our driveway for the generous ladies who where able to help with today's events. It seemed as though everyone arrived at the same time.

Someone mentioned that our dog Sasha had a hurt foot and was bleeding. Then the children came in all commenting on the same thing. So while trying to get kids, paperwork and final details together I needed to find out what was going on with the dog. As soon as I came near her I could tell she was traumatized by something. I called the vet explained the situation of where I needed to be and would it be OK to have a friend drop her off and keep in contact with us by phone. They agreed that would be fine. Praise the Lord my friend was willing and had a dog crate in the back of her vehicle (what are the chances) and was going by that way. I went to Chemo, kids went with friends, dog to the vet. Whew!!

Chemo started with Herceptin (slowly) it was cold but thankfully no other reactions. Then they did a medicine flush....

Meanwhile we got a call from the vet... the dog had definitely been hit by a car. She had a punctured lung, 3 broken ribs, 3 broken or missing teeth, kidney damage, road rash under her neck and leg, and her lung was gassing out into her body and if they couldn't get it under control the pressure could cause the lung to collapse. They couldn't get her liver score it was off the chart. She would need to go to the Loomis Basin Vet Clinic for the night if not for longer....

The next drug for me was the Taxotere. Which is the one you need to soak your fingers in ice so that you hopefully don't loose your fingernails. Then another lady there told me to eat ice chips or popsicles because she had bad mouth sores from this drug also... Praise the Lord still no allergic reactions.

There was a delay between the next drug due to air in the line. So this set us back in time. Meanwhile the doctor came back to talk to me about the Iron blood work. Stated he still didn't like what he is seeing and would like me to go take a colonoscopie (sp?) Worst case scenario we could be looking at colon cancer.... The last drug for the day was the Carboplatyn. Everything went well with this one also. Thank you Lord. My friend endured all this with me and even went and got us lunch, but now we were late in timing for her to pick up her children and deal with the dog....

So I called a neighbor to see if she could be available to get the dog crate from our house meet me at the Vet and bring the dog and me home...

She was!! We couldn't lift the dog out of the crate till Neal got home. So she dropped me and her vehicle off at our house. Neal arrived within about an hour (traffic) He moved the dog and crate over to our van and drove her vehicle up to her. She went to turn her vehicle around and ran over the water spigot and broke her water main.... So with the kids not yet back and Neal needing to help our neighbor with the water situation, I took the dog to the Loomis Basin Vet.

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET !?!

Neal buttoned up the main for the eve. the kids got home and had a wonderful dinner and I returned home safely. All in all it was an eventful day.

Redue blood work

Upon arriving home from an expansion on the 26th I received a call from Dr. Campbell at 7:20 pm to state that he didn't like the blood work from the Kidney and Iron. He would like me to re due these blood tests Tuesday so he can have the results by Wednesday to confirm whether to begin Chemo on Friday. The Kidney showed it was under stress and the Iron showed I was loosing blood. Worse case scenario we were looking at some sort of cancer causing stress on the Kidney, best case I was just still recovering from the surgery. I put in a few calls for prayer...

I went in Tuesday and Wednesday during Co-op the nurse called to state that the Kidney results were improved and that I needed to begin an Iron supplement of Iron Sulfate 325 mg per day. We were a go for Chemo on Friday.

Thank you for all your prayers.

Thanksgiving

Neal's parents came over the hill Wednesday afternoon and brought plenty of food. They live in Fallon, NV. and are 80 yrs old. So we worry when they travel. On Thursday before we had dinner the kids, Neal and his Dad went over and played flag football with some other families. Some slight injuries but that didn't out weigh the fun. Neal and his mom cooked everything. The big glitch in the day was that Dorothy got sick, something upset her stomach from breakfast and she was throwing up most of the day so she didn't eat any of the Thanksgiving dinner. We played games and visited, it was a wonderful time.




Friday Dorothy and I went to the local fairgrounds for the craft fare. She still wasn't feeling the best. I had fun looking at all the booths. I got lots of ideas but only made a small purchase. She needed to get back and my energy wasn't at it's top.


Neal's parents had to leave Saturday morn. to head on up to Klammath Falls, Oregon to see some more of the family. Cameron wasn't quite himself which was explained later that day at about 5 pm he began throwing up till about 5 am, then at 9 am he started a low grade fever. That was gone by 2 pm. Neal took him to the pet store later that Sunday. Cameron had been saving his money since summer to purchase a Bearded Dragon.

He is named Spark

(from Spartacus)

Expansions

Well since my last entry I have had 3 expansions. (14th, 19th and 26th) All have gone well physically. The doctors are happy with the progress. Here are some pictures are the implements they use to fill me.


The blue contraption is what they are able to find the magnetic center of the port with. They make an X on the center, cover the whole area with betadine. Inject the area with numbing medicine then inject it with the larger needle that is attached to the tubing and syringe. The syringe sucks up the sterile saline and pushes it into the expander. The last one we did they put 100cc into the expander per side. This whole process takes about 30 min. Fascinating I'm sure.

Due to Chemo and the lowered white cell count I will now have to gage my expansions on the up time in relation to Chemo. So instead of 1X a week it will be (if all goes smoothly) 1x every 3 weeks.

Oncology

This consultation at the Oncologist, Dave Campbell, we learned about which medicines and chemo drugs I would be receiving, duration, side effects and estimated cost. We also discussed briefly what things we will need to decide on down the road. It was a long visit, 11:45-1pm, then back from 1:40-4:10pm. I will be having chemo once every 3 wks for 6 treatments. The chemo drugs are Carboplatin and Taxotere. The Herceptin (a medicine, not chemo) once a week for 15 wks, then once every three weeks for a total duration of 1 year. They are both done intravenous. The chemo visits are about 3hrs long and the Herceptin about 30min. I also need to take 2 Tylenol, 2 Benadryl, a course of Emend, and a course of Decadron, at each time of chemo. I will loose my hair 2 weeks after starting chemo. My first chemo date is Nov. 30th. The side effects are numerous, so in preparation they do some base line checks on you (blood tests and an Echocardiogram). Then they inform you of the cost of all this. (with insurance)

Needless to say I was discouraged. I needed some time to processes this. After some crying Neal suggested we watch a funny movie to lighten up the mood. Oddly enough the movie reminded me that I was not relying on God for all these concerns. He is bigger than my problems. The next morning I spent some time in prayer and quiet time. This is the scripture He gave me to hold onto: Jeremiah 17:7-8

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord

and whose hope is the Lord.

For he will be like a tree planted by the water,

that extends its roots by a stream

and will not fear when the heat comes;

but its leaves will be green

and it will not be anxious in the year of drought

nor cease to yield fruit

~

Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness, Your majesty, honor, glory, and power. You hold the oceans in the palm of Your hand and yet You are mindful of each one of us. Thank You that You love me and are so present each step of the way. Lord my hope is You. Pour out Your faith on me and allow me to yield fruit.

A fill...but no lube job

Well we (a friend rearranged her day to drive me) couldn't have had better weather. It was gorgeous. Every other trip to UCSF some fog or rain has set in by the bay. This time it was just lovely. There wasn't any traffic going in. We found a parking space (feed the meter) fairly close, which would be great cause we were only going to be there about 1 hr or at the most 90 min. My appointment was at 12:45 we arrived at 12:30. Much to my chagrin the doctors were running LATE!! So I wasn't called into the exam room till 3:05. The explanation is that he was called into 2 O.R. situations. I felt awful for my friend. She of course was very gracious and flexible about the whole thing, which did relieve some of my guilt. (as if I could change things)

The actual visit with the doctor was good. He said the skin looked great and was pleased with things. He needed to palpate the area to find where the Expander had adjusted to. On the Expander he had to find the center of the port with a magnet. Mark it with an X and then inject Lidocane (sp?) in the area. "Can you feel this?" Followed by injecting a larger needle attached to a long tube and a fat syringe....Filler Up?! We cracked quite a few jokes and had some laughs and when he was done they give you a hug. Isn't that nice?! They only fill a small portion with sterile saline and then will watch to see how the skin reacts. This was not painful, I wasn't sure what to expect.

The next fill is on Monday the 19th at a different location (same doctor) so as to avoid the long wait time. This other facility doesn't have a hospital attached and only is open in the mornings. If the skin reacts well then they will feel confident to fill with a larger amount. I was out of the exam room by 3:35 pm. Then we were stuck in traffic, so I felt we deserved to stop for a good dinner. I was grateful for the ride. I was really not ready to drive that far yet and was quite in pain by the end of the day.

Gift Ideas

I was trying to think of things I could possibly do for Christmas gifts. Even though I know everyone will not be expecting anything from us this year, I was still looking for ideas, when I came across this beautiful item. (no I'm not doing this)

Boy if only I were talented enough to do this.

Maybe just a nice card this year.?.

This is one Cameron did last year for me. (isn't it cute)

Calms my storm

This is a great song that describes how I feel often:

~

Sometimes He Calms the Storm

~

All who sail the sea of faith

Find out before too long

How quickly blue skies can grow dark

And gentle winds grow strong

Suddenly fear is like white water

Pounding on the soul

Still we sail on knowing

That our Lord is in control

~

Chorus

~

Sometimes He calms the storm

with a whispered "Peace be still"

He can settle any sea

but it doesn't mean He will

Sometimes He holds us close

and lets the wind and waves go wild

Sometimes He calms the storm

and other times He calms His child

~

He has a reason for each trial

that we pass through in life

and though we're shaken

We cannot be pulled apart from Christ

No matter how the driving rain beats down

on those who hold to faith

a heart of trust will always

be a quiet peaceful place

~

song lyrics written by Tony Wood and Kevin Stokes

performed by Scott Krippayne.

~

So often I'm the child He is holding close. Thank you Lord!!!

Post-Op

Did you know that every muscle in your body will try to stabilize you when you are riding in a car? Not a big deal when you feel fine. Although when a body is sore....this is a difficult task. The Plastic surgeon was called into surgery so he was not able to see me. So the Surgeon checked everything, and removed my drains. She is very easy to communicate with. They pulled, ripped, yanked the clear duct tape off off my skin. Then they asked if I wanted two smaller pains or 1 large one. I chose the 1 larger pain. The surgeon and the intern on either side of me, with Neal by my head squeezing my hand, pulled the drains out on a count of 1...2...Ouch!! She was pleased with the work. She stated that all looked perfect (scars, skin tone, skin color, bruising) The starry strips are still on there till they fall off on their own. She would like to see my range of motion continue to improve with a physical therapist to start in about 2 weeks. She thought maybe I could use some more pain medication to work on breaking the scar tissue up. Altogether she liked what she saw of my range of motion.

Next week I'm to go to UCSF to be filled on Wednesday (part of reconstruction) and then on Thursday meet with the Oncologist here locally to discuss what med.s and course of treatment. Which I'm told should start the end of Nov or beginning of Dec.. I'm to start some specific exercises to work on breaking up those scar tissue and range of motion. But not too much or the drains will swell and set me back a few days. (so only light driving and still no lifting over 10lbs and NO vacuuming) Then meet with Physical therapist after Thanksgiving.

This was a painful visit and I probably should have taken a Vicodin in preparation. OK my take on it....It looks and feels like they smashed 2 gallon size milk jugs and put those under my skin and then vacuum sealed the skin over it. (I didn't cry) The skin itself doesn't really have any feeling (numb) other than pressure, and sense of temperature. That, I'm told, may or may not come back from within a year to a few years.... Most of the scars I cannot see till the starry strips fall off. The surgeon did repeat that this is not how it will look when it is done. There is still so much more to be done...

We had a few more laughs before Neal and I headed home. The traffic was bumper to bumper and I was not feeling well from the pain. So my wonderful hubby stopped off and took me to eat at The Elephant Bar. Being out of the car, having hot tea, eating a wonderful meal and laughing with my hubby heals what ails me. It was just what I needed to handle the rest of the ride home.

Ramblings

Recently I have been dealing with some emotions. I am not one to process my emotions on a blog. Albeit, to be real on this, I thought I should comment on them.

This is not an easy road. I have lost some things (not just breasts) and they require some grieving. I have these nagging emotions of loss and of sadness over things yet to come. At the same time I struggle with guilt that I even have these emotions considering how truly blessed I am. I know of so many who are worse off or who don't have the amazing support I have. I fear I am rambling. (maybe it's all hormones)

God did create us with emotions and therefore knows the struggle of them. He Himself wept over the loss of a dear friend. I know that the Lord will use this to help me grow into his likeness. Just like a vine dresser prunes the vines to make a larger crop. I have some pruning to be more fruitful in my walk. When it all comes down to it I know that I have my Lord. He has made His presence known all along the way and loves me with such gentleness as only He can. In that... My ultimate desire is to be used by the Lord in all of this for His glory.

for I am confident of this very thing. that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil. 1:6

~~~~~~~~~~

This Thursday I go back to UCSF to see the Doctors. They will remove the drains and bandages. Possibly fill a little in the expander depending on how everything looks. God is so good...You know how hard it is to get 3 doctors schedules to coincide, especially when they don't even have the same clinic days. Miraculously the plastic surgeon had a procedure cancellation on that day so he will be there and available on the same day and time frame the other 2 doctors are. WOW!!

Please keep me in your prayers as I am slightly nervous about seeing the scars.

Praise the Lord

Nov. 1st and I was supposed to go to the Doctor's in San Fran. but earlier this week I contacted them in regards to this meeting and that my drains were not ready to come out. The drains are supposed to be at 25 cc total for each day per drain, for 2 days straight. (you drain them 2x per day) Mine are at 25 cc per drain each time I drain. They agreed that I would only need to come out when it was time to take out the drains.

The surgeon, Shelley Hwang, called today. She had really great news. She stated that the pathology was in. She would have sworn that my tumor and the MRI showed also was 5 cm. BUT the pathology came back it was only 3.1 cm and there was another one .7 cm. There was nothing in the left breast at all (as expected). Now the Lymph's only the 3 mm spot and a 1 mm speck in the 2 Lymph's that she originally biopsied.....SO.... NO MORE IN THE LYMPH'S !!! Praise the Lord!!! She stated that I was staged at a 3 and she thinks I can be down staged to a 2. YEAH!!! I said so we got it all and she stated that she hesitates to say that because it is cancer. But she feels with pretty certainty that we did... GET IT ALL!! Thank you all for your prayers I believe they carried me. The Lord's gracious hand was upon me all along this journey so far. I really felt God's provision of peace through this.

Little ways the Lord lets me know He is here:
-Scripture he lays on my mind and heart of His love and care
-care from friends...just when I need that verse or to hear their heart
-I had no anxiety with the anesthesia (it was instant)
-no anxiety waking from the anesthesia, God put a clock right in my view for me to know how much time was passing (I'm a bit of a clock watcher)
-being able to get off the narcotics so quickly
-Kurt being home, to take the dog to the vet for staples (emergency the day after I arrived home from the hospital)

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

My heart trusts in Him and I am helped;

Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.

PS. 28:7