In the Mean Time

Monday my white blood count was going up (1.2 =1,200 ... I was 1.0). So we scheduled for Wednesday.... again the white blood count is too low. Actually it has dropped lower than it ever has...now at .9. So we will try for Monday ???

In the meantime I wanted to share some things that have happened while I was going weekly:

*Aurora had her 12th Birthday. She requested that we watch home videos of her as a baby. I was really struck by how time flies. I thought when did I blink and she went from sweet vibrant baby to enthusiastic young adolescent. She had a lovely birthday party with a few close friends. God was so gracious to me on that weekend, do to some miracle I wasn't sick that weekend.

*Aurora had a swim meet in Carson City (Minden) and she nocked 6 seconds off Breast stroke time!!

*Our Coop group started up again. It is always a high point in our families lives. I personally feel honored to be associated with such intelligent, talented, loving and God fearing women.

*I was finally able to get an appointment at UCSF ( after calling for 3 wks) for an expansion. According to the Doctor I am fully expanded and now I just am waiting to be done with Chemo and then have my Switch out surgery. That is where they take out the expander and put in the implant (either saline or silicone). You also choose at this point if you want a nipple or not (keep in mind it will be static). Then about 3 wks after this surgery (when you are healed) if you have chosen a nipple they will now tattoo an areola on.

I'm back

I have heard it is uncouth to wait so long between blogs, SORRY!! Since my last blog I have been having Chemo every week. I would have Chemo on Wednesday, sleep Thursday& Friday, be on anti nausea medicine every 6hrs for 3 or 4 days, the weekends were iffy as to how I was managing. We had hoped that by having Chemo every week it would eliminate the overly sick response I was having. It lessened the response, but it meant I was sick every week. After 6 wks of this I decided I would like to go back to the once every three weeks. I know the response will be more severe, but I would get at least 1 to 1 1/2 weeks break. I had to notify the insurance, because they have to approve any change in dosage. They like 5-7 business day to decide. So Wednesday, March 5th, I went in trepidation to get my full dose of Chemo only to find out that my white blood cell count was too low to have a full dose treatment. It had been low on the weekly doses, but still OK for smaller doses. In preparation of the full dose the Dr. only gave me a 1/6th dose to try and give my white blood cells a rest (it didn't work). Dr. Campbell explained that if he were to give me a full dosage of Chemo at this low count it would be life threatening.

I cried! I had these mental dates (bench marks) that I was emotionally striving towards. After a few minutes, I was embarrassed..... I thought of the people I personally know who are suffering much worse than I. So the Lord wants to change "my plans", "my agenda" what am I to do? God designed me to be a planner. SO....I planned things out; meals, other appointments, child care, up coming surgeries, and etc... all "my plans" are off now. I am reminded my ways are not the Lord's ways. His timing is always for the best. Even though I am not privy to the big picture I trust in the designer. I am humbled (as usual) by how quickly I lost sight (and cried). Really what is a week or two in the big scheme of things.

He feeds my spirit!!! "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones." Ps. 17:22 "the spirit of a man can endure his sickness, but a broken spirit who can bear?" Ps. 18:14 Thank you all for uplifting my spirit with your loving words of encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know.

Musings

Have you ever felt like you make absolutely no difference in this life?? I struggle with this. Scripture tells us that we are all part of a body and each gift/talent is useful to the body. When that part is not functioning the whole body suffers. Lately I want to scream...."I want my life to count, to bring God glory" Alas, I am only me and feel I have some obscure unimportant function so remote that I cannot even figure it out. I know I am not alone in this struggle between who we are (or going through) and who we want to be. Even TobyMac sings about it, "I was made to love you", Superchick "Stand in the rain", Natasha Bedingfield " Unwritten", (and my new favorite) Point of Grace "How you live" just to name a few. Those who know me well know I am someone who would love for the Lord to send me the outline of what the plan is, and of course I would follow the "Plan". Alas He never does this. He wants me to lean on Him by candle light not the flashlight. I guess this causes me to grow and be more like Him without questioning and knowing the whole "plan". I am unable to see the whole picture and He can, I am unable to see the out come but He can. I wonder what all this emotional confusion looks like to God?? I know I can trust Him, I choose to praise Him even though for the moment it hurts. Really the bottom line is as much as I want a life that brings Glory to the Lord (my vision of what that looks like) it is all about Him and through Him, not me :( .

Matthew West recently went through what I am talking about...Check it out
http://www.matthewwest.com/splash/

On a side note the doctor wants me to try doing Chemo every week. The goal is to lesson the reaction. So I start this on Wednesday the 23rd.

Power

We had a fun New Year's eve. spending time with friends and playing games.

I'm not going to lie the rest of the week was not fun.

Wednesday the 2nd I went in to Chemo for the new drug and all the original ones. Then immediately following that I had to prepare for the Colonoscopy. No eating....I have all this toxic medicine in me and not able to absorb any of it with food. Then you have to drink this horrible solution which has to added bonus of now being glued to the toilet. After surviving the night, the next morning you drink the solution again and them stop drinking all fluids. Needless to say I was quite nauseous. Finally the time comes that I go to do my procedure and they can't use my Port because they don't have those special needles. ARG!! Honestly the procedure went fine. I didn't feel a thing. The next day I had to go to Oncology to get my Neulasta (sp?) shot. Now I am SICK!!! friends rallied and between Wednesday thru Fri; my house was cleaned, kids were well watched and I was cared for. Thank you!! .....the sickness continued through the area's power outage. The power went out on Friday morn and didn't come back till late Monday. (we partied!! YEA!!) I was on 3 more anti-nausea medicines every 6 hrs for 48 hours during that time. YUK!!

During the power outage people weren't able to do the normal things they were used to doing. Their convenient fast paced lives had to slow down even if just for a few days. In that there was alot of good that came out of it. (that I heard) Neighbors gathered and shared meals and other things, beautiful candles were glowing, books were being read and best of all people spent more time with their families. I say all this because in my situation similar things are occurring. I can't do my normal things and yet great things are coming of it.

in the midst of a yukky week I can see the Lord's hand....I had no reactions to the new Chemo drug, my Colonoscopy went fine, in fact they found a polyp that was pre-cancerous and now it's gone!!! and also to see the Lord's body reach out and do so much to carry another through this time is awesome to witness.

Were is the true Power?...in Christ Jesus !!! SELAH

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Ps. 4:8

Christmas week

We had a wonderful Christmas. The four of us just enjoyed each other and then relaxing doing our own things. It was peaceful. Our Jehovah Jireh (Provider) really was felt in our home this Christmas. He showed us in His gentle and loving way how He can and will provide.

Wednesday the 26th insurance still had not approved the Chemo, so I only did Herceptin. The doctor was happy with the rise in my iron level, due to taking the iron supplement.

My surgery for the Port came off without a hitch. There were some funny terms used while I was waiting to be operated on; the nurses said "Good Luck" (kind of like crossing your fingers) and the doctor stated he would "Tunnel under the skin". I was really looking forward to the 'procedure' after hearing these things. The Anesthesiologist was very nice, but he had some trouble getting my I.V. started. He had to stick me 6 times before he got a good vein. We are all glad I am getting this Port in. The pain will wear off in a couple of days. I can take the bandages off on Monday. (and take a shower-so if you smell me before then you'll know why) ha ha.

Neal found a muffler shop that would install the catalytic converter for a reasonable price. So he got that done with the hope that it will be enough to pass smog. The van can hobble along for a few more months till things settle down.

I received a call today the 28th from the Oncologist office letting me know that the insurance had approved the new Chemo and that I will be receiving that on Wed. Jan 2nd. Thank the Lord for He is faithful!!

And Yes! it is still OK to do a Colonoscopy the very next day after Chemo. (that's because 'they' are not doing it) What fun!!

Hair today gone tomorrow

When my hair started to fall out, it felt like when your hair has been in a ponytail too long and it is sore. Then parts felt like I had sunburned my scalp. At first it came out slowly then it just came out in clumps. My very sweet hair stylist cut my hair to this cute style on the 20th. I was having an emotional day about the hair lose and the mess it was making. I liked the cut, and who knows maybe I'll have it like this someday when it grows back. I was praying the hair would hang on thru. Christmas day. You know... so the Christmas morning pictures wouldn't look hideous.The Lord blessed me and let it hang on thru. Christmas day. Then on the day after Christmas I had to take a shower and it REALLY came out.

Thursday the 27th I had the Port put in and my hair was very patchy and sore.

So that eve. I had Neal shave the scraggly patches off.

Here is the wig I borrowed, it doesn't quite fit. I'm will still working on some different ideas to cover the Kojak look.

Delay Chemo

My day started off with this devotional message (paraphrased):

~ It was into the real world that Christ came, into the city where there was no room for Him, and into a country where Herod, the murderer of innocents, was king. (Luke 2:25-35)
~ "He comes to us, not to shield us from the harshness of the world but to give us the courage and strength to bear it; nor to snatch us away by some miracle from the conflict of life, but to give us peace - His peace - in our hearts, by which we may be calmly steadfast while the conflict rages, and be able to bring to the torn world the healing that is peace."

Christ did not come to shield us from the grief and pain of life;

But those who have His peace inside can thrive within the strife.

~

Thankfully no dogs got hit today. The doctor told me my iron count went down even farther and firmly suggested I take my iron supplements or he would need to either do iron I.V. or do a blood transfusion if it gets much worse. Then Chemo did not go well...I had an adverse allergic reaction to the Chemo, Taxotere. I couldn't breath, I got very hot (my face reflected how hot I was) and there was a fogginess in my eyes. My friend rushed over and got a nurse. They immediately stopped the Chemo and flushed out the line with saline, meanwhile bringing over the oxygen tank, but I didn't need it. As quickly as the reaction came on it also left. (thankfully) ....So they could not continue with Chemo today....

~

So now it gets complicated!! I could take a Chemo called, Taxol, the allergic reaction to it is Anaphylactic Shock. Since I had a reaction to the Taxotere (and they are in the same family of drugs) I could have this reaction but no guarantee!?! Attempting to prevent this reaction I would need to take 40 mg of Decodron a day. The first round of Chemo I had to take 16 mg of Decodron and I had adverse reactions to that, so they reduced my dosage to only 2 mg for this round. There is no way of knowing how I would react to that much Decadron.

.....OR.....

Chemo choice number 2 is a new drug (the Doctor didn't tell me the name) This Chemo they have been testing on Metastatic Cancer Patients. Which means it is very powerful (not really what I need). It has not been studied on patients in my situation, so that leads to uncertainty about results. The other challenge is insurance only likes to cover things that are absolutely studied and required. This drug is new and therefore expensive another reason insurance will not want to cover it. The good thing about this one is I wouldn't have to take Decadron. We have 2 days to get all this worked out so that I can have Chemo on the 26th.

~

Meanwhile.... Neal had my van today to get it smogged for renewal. It did not pass smog. The technician stated that it need more work than the vehicle was worth and to just drive it to a lot and trade it in. A friend mentioned the DMV will purchase a "Gross Polluter" then you can do what you want about getting another vehicle...Add this to our schedule.

~

Getting back to the devotional; I thought God was so gentle to prepare me for this day with His peace!!

Not that it makes this any less difficult, but I know when my faith is getting stretched, I am learning to be calmly steadfast in His peace. Through each experience I am reminded to rest in His provision and love for us.

~

-Please pray that His hand would be in all of this.

-Please pray for clear direction and choices.

-Please pray that our emotions rest in His Peace.

~

P.S. -A side plus in all this is I will NOT be sick for Christmas !! YEAH !!